


Reckless Abandon

by Skye_Maxwell



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Depression, Everything Hurts, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Numbness, Unhappy Ending, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, basically i just destroy everything you love, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 01:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17819324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skye_Maxwell/pseuds/Skye_Maxwell
Summary: “Just… don’t call me Partner.”





	Reckless Abandon

**Author's Note:**

> See the tags for warnings. Do not read this if you want to be happy.
> 
> Moods for this story: "The Gold" by Manchester Orchestra & "It Ends Tonight" by The All-American Rejects (an angsty classic)

_“Yosuke._ Could you _stop_ calling me Partner?” Souji said, perhaps more harshly than he had intended.

In any case, he didn’t dare look at Yosuke now.

Unfortunately, Yosuke’s voice was just as expressive as his face.

“What? Why?”

He sounded heartbroken.

But Souji was the only one who was _actually_ heartbroken, so what did it matter?

‘Partner’ had almost become like a second name to him over the years. Even when one of their friends from the Investigation Team jokingly used the nickname, he responded to it.

Was this what parents felt like when they had a name they used all their life, but then suddenly their name changed to ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ just because they had a kid?

Well, Yosuke wasn’t his kid, or his boyfriend, or his _responsibility…_

Souji’s identity was his choice, and if he didn’t want to be labeled as Yosuke’s Partner (like Yosuke _owned_ him or something), then he didn’t have to be.

The temperature that afternoon was on the cool side but not decisive enough to be cold, really. The sky had been an uninterrupted blanket of grey clouds all day, but no rain had fallen. The air around them didn’t even dare to stir with a merciful fall breeze, so all that was left was unyielding quiet.

“I never said you could call me that.”

“No, but…” Yosuke said, putting far more space between his words than usual. “…but you never said I couldn’t.”

“I’m saying it now,” Souji bit out. “Just… don’t call me Partner.”

Silence.

Then…

“Okay.”

Confusion. Hurt. Regret.

Souji could pick all of that up from one word.

Yosuke had always been so obvious.

Souji couldn’t let himself care though, not this time. He’d already given too much of his heart away to this boy. That’s why it was broken, after all.

Souji was _tired._ Tired of being introduced with a name that wasn’t his and tired of all the questioning looks _(scandalized,_ some) and tired of being left by a blissfully ignorant Yosuke to explain it away.

_It’s just a nickname._

_We’re just friends._

_We’ve been through a lot together._

_It’s not like that._

_Do I want it to be like that? Well… he doesn’t._

But Yosuke had just agreed to stop, so Souji figured he was free now.

He wasn’t Partner anymore. He was just Souji. And really, that’s all he ever had been. 

When Yosuke spoke again, his voice, for once, was completely void of emotion. “I don’t know what the hell I did to you, but… I’m sorry. I guess this explains why you’ve been treating me like garbage lately. Guess I’ll always be the guy you found in a trash can, huh? Maybe you should have just left me there.”

Souji’s chest seized up, and it took everything in him to not double over in pain.

This bleak version of Yosuke, Souji noted, had a surprising way with words; each of them was perfectly pointed, each like a knife twisting in Souji’s gut.

 _Like a kunai,_ Souji thought, disgusted at how wry his humor could be even now.

If Souji detached himself from the situation though, the whole ‘treating me like garbage’ play was kind of funny. Clever, really.

It did confirm that Yosuke had noticed Souji was treating him differently.

It’s not like Souji had done it on purpose. He didn’t do anything on purpose, not lately. Not picking up Yosuke’s calls, not bothering to wait up for him, not smiling or laughing at his jokes or even really listening when he was talking—those were all _not_ doing things.

Maybe his subconscious had wanted to send Yosuke a message… a warning.

Yosuke continued, “Still, that was a pretty shitty way to tell a guy you don’t wanna be friends anymore. But I guess if we’re not friends, you don’t have to worry about how shitty you’re being. So, um, fuck you, I guess.”

A dismal little laugh had wound its way into those last few words.

Souji could identify with that little laugh.

He still didn’t dare to look, but he felt Yosuke veer away from his side, heard his quick, heavy steps move away from him, right out of his life.

Is this what Souji had wanted?

He’d thought he just wanted Yosuke to stop calling him Partner.

Then again, Yosuke couldn’t call him Partner if they never spoke to each other again.

And really, Souji had known.

He’d known what the term of endearment meant to Yosuke, how it wasn’t just a nickname, how they weren’t just friends. ‘Friend’ was too simple, too flimsy of a word to describe their relationship—the battles they’d won together, the obstacles they’d overcome, the memories they shared, the chemistry they had…

But that wasn’t enough for Souji.

Anything less than Yosuke returning his love with reckless abandon was never going to be enough.

Souji was selfish.

And maybe he deserved to be alone for that.

The footsteps slowed, and although it surely must not have been what Yosuke intended, he wasn’t quite far enough away to be out of Souji’s earshot.

A strangled cry, another, a guttural attempt to choke it all down, a few seconds of silence, a monumental failure as he erupted into a sob…

 _There_ he was.

The emotional Yosuke that Souji knew and loved (past tense).

Yosuke had always been an ugly crier.

Souji had been waiting for this moment, had felt it coming, had steeled himself for it, let himself grow colder than ever so it wouldn’t destroy him.

It was working, he thought mirthlessly as he stuck his hands in his pockets and walked forward at a casual pace.

There was a reason a Shadow version of himself had never manifested in the TV world.

Everyone else’s shit had been buried deep.

Souji’s shit was _right below the surface._

There wasn’t a fucking _day_ he wasn’t forced to face his true self.

Though, it was less of a fight nowadays.

He’d faltered for a moment back there, but only one moment, and now it was all behind him.

Life had never seemed so empty, so pointless, so lacking in meaning.

Souji almost felt younger somehow? Or more like, he was starkly reminded of that old darkness that plagued him, crippled him before that fateful year in Inaba. Before Yosuke. It was terrifying and familiar and nothing all at the same time.

If anyone was his ‘Partner,’ it was that pervasive, nagging voice that he used to be so desperate to push to the back of his mind. It was his oldest friend, and he had been lying in wait for years, reminding Souji of his presence every once in a while when he made the mistake of feeling happy or proud or loved.

Though, Souji couldn’t _completely_ blame him/it/what-the-hell-ever it was. (Could he?)

 _Souji_ was the asshole who just sent that naïve, beautiful boy away in tears.

Would Souji take it back if he could?

Yes.

Without hesitation.

But he couldn’t, so he kept walking.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn’t planning on writing this, and then I wasn’t planning on posting it. But then I kinda felt like I had to, because I’ve _heard_ if you don’t acknowledge the ugly parts of yourself that you’d rather keep hidden once in a while, shit gets real.


End file.
